Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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