I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Randomize
