Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
