I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
