She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
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