Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Randomize
