I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
