I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
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