I need to stop coming to work sober
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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