My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
