I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Randomize
