I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Randomize
