So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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