it cannot be done, he is unbreakable.
What?
..he cannot be seduced..she had to have roofied him.
Details.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
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