his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Randomize