dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
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