I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Terrible idea I love it
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Randomize
