Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
