Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Randomize
