Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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