I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
So much rum. So many feels.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Randomize
