1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
