Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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