currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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