I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Randomize
