There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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