Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
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