There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
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