I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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