o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
