My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
