my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize