: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Randomize
