Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
Randomize
