I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
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