I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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