Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Randomize
