I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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