I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
