Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Oh god it's open bar.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Randomize
