I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
PANTIES FOUND
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