I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize