WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
