he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
