She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Randomize
