just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize