If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
