Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
