Im at strip club and am horny
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
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