I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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