Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
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