Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Randomize
