he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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