he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Randomize
