now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
