Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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