Where are you?
In a non slutty way
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
