She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
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