I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
