I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
