i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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