My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
