I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
