I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Everyone says I win the strip club
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Randomize
