so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
zippers are such a cool invention
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
