I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
I checked into jail on foursquare
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Text me some of your sweat
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
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