i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
My Yahoo Answers account was suspended. Apparently I answered "I like chicks who do anal" to over 100 questions last night.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
please don't ironically join a cult
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