We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
