Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
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